... I'll find my way back home :)

2009年5月29日星期五

上午8:17

Dear Diary,

Blogger is banned in China, and thus I can say whatever I want. I can say whatever I want, 'cause noone here will see it. I can say whatever I want, 'cause without my advertising schemes, this blog truly becomes mine and mine alone. Mine to rant to, mine to 'spill' to. Everything, here, in this blog. Hah :D.

Hm, honestly, I'm thinking about the futility of it all. Making friends and everything. Three consecutive years. Three consecutive years of making friends and having them leave. I'm learning to let go, really, I am, but I guess the withdrawal pains still exist? And, at the same time, I think I'm changing for the worse. I seriously have the feeling that I'm pushing people away. Maybe I'm being over-sensitive, and reading too deeply into their words. I probably don't think I belong, and thus isolate myself to "stop bothering people", when, in reality, these people never thought I was bothering them to begin with. I don't know, am I actually being considerate? Am I hitting it spot-on? Am I right in leaving when I don't think they want me there? Or am I just pushing them away? Am I turning cold and making them think I don't want them? Am I losing friends by shedding my thick-skinnedness?

Ah, I don't know. I don't know why any of this matters. They're going to leave, and then I'm going to be miserable. Miserable that I love them and that I'm not quite sure that they love me back. Come on, I'm sure they do, so many years and it's not like you didn't do a lot for them. But when you compare it to what they've done for you, it seems so tiny. And honestly, I don't want to lose them at this crucial moment. This moment that determines whether or not we'll stay friends when they leave. But then again, just the pain of losing them all. Ah.

Okay, let's cut this short. I'm talking to Steve...

Bye Blogger :)

<3 AIR.

&she loves you :D

上午5:32

When I was 9, I used to walk to this supermarket in Yizhuang. There was a women who'd sell JianBing, and I'd wait in line with my sister, ready to order 4 2kuai jianbings for my family's lunch. We'd stand there waiting, always ready to let the big grown-ups go first if they only wanted small amounts, believing that, in doing so, we were being nice.
And the JianBing lady would dribble the batter onto the flat stove and smooth it in circular motions with a steel instruments.
Two eggs, "crack", onto the dough;
Three brushes of spice and paste;
Something green, some folds here and there
brown recycled paper
all thrust into a clear plastic bag
and placed into our young hands.

We'd take the bag and merrily ride our bikes home
eager to eat the delicious food before us.

&she loves you :D

下午9:19

I was such a cute child.
Such long black hair,
such smooth skin,
such cheerful eyes,
such a sweet smile.
Shame to all those stupid ISB and WAB guys who constantly said I was ugly.
They needed glasses;
I was obviously just too good for them.

Hah, 10 years down the line and it'll suck to be them, huh :D

Cheers.

&she loves you :D

上午4:13

Today, I wanted to talk to you.
I wanted to walk over to that figure sitting on the slide, place a hand over that crutch and say, "I didn't know it was this serious. How long will it take?"
I wanted to sit next to you and ask about all the technicalities -- how it happened, how much it hurts, what you can and cannot do.
But really, most of all, I just wanted to talk. Just wanted to know how you're doing. Didn't want to rely on ML to know about the situation. Couldn't bear to see you hobbling like that, with that man behind you, and your bag dangling in his arms.
It'll get better, I know.
2 weeks, maybe a month, more.
But still, just seeing your back as you swinged yourself further and
further away -

I hope you'll be okay.

&she loves you :D

上午3:07

I remember this time back when I was in Yr4. It was a Saturday -- a beautiful day, with the humidifier puffing and the sun shining through the hole-filled insect-screen. I was seated on the right side of the living room, with a book about animals in my hands. It was part of a series. Animal Ark? Something like that; perhaps, it was about badgers. And I don't remember what happened, if anything happened at all. I just know that the sun was beaming down on my 9-years-old body, and I was captured by my two books. And as I flipped the pages, the hands of the clock sailed along, until morning turned into night, and I put down the books, captivated by each magic-filled line.

It had been such a beautiful day.

&she loves you :D

上午5:09

Reading back on all my vain extremities and overwhelming lack of confidence (portrayed ever-so-clearly in my childish rants to jules and iz), I must say, above all things, I REGRET.
I regret liking you
I regret caring so much about what you thought
I regret changing myself
I regret letting you drag me down
I regret the stupid haircut, silly highlights, painful contacts, grandma sense-of-style.
I regret caring, for the briefest moment, that I wasn't pretty enough for you;
that I'll never be pretty enough for you.

and most of all, I regret sacrificing the hyper girl
who never cared about what others thought of her;
the one who could run outside with unshaved legs and super-thick glasses and still feel worthy.
the one who loved her maths
loved her art
loved night and day, autumn's wind, the ticking of the clock
the rain, the sun -- everything.

&she loves you :D

上午6:17

I'd love to have a best friend in Beijing.
Perhaps I'm just being ungrateful --
I've got Jules, I've got Iz --
But there's still this seed of discontent
furtively plowing its way through my heart,
and, as always, I've been trying to control it,
but much as I'd like to ignore it,
it's still there.

Maybe I'm just pushing people away.

&she loves you :D